So there’s this guy that dresses up like a vintage safari explorer and drives his kids around in a giant banana car back in my hometown…
Be honest everyone: if you were a parent with a banana car this is EXACTLY what you would do too
“Woah, woah woah. Hold on. I didn’t make any friends.”
today my teacher said “turn to the person next to you and tell them the best thing that happened to you today.” So this girl turned around and said “my pregnancy test came back negative” and I just said two packs of skittles fell out of the vending machine when I only payed for one
And God said unto Abraham, “Abraham.”
And Abraham replied, “What.”
God said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
And Judas approached the rabbis and Pharisees saying, “The one whom I kiss is the one you seek.”
To which they responded, “Gay.”
And thus, god made Eve. And she was bammin’ slammin’ bootylicious.
see you all in hell